Monday, January 30, 2012

I’m going to hell for this one…

At least I can say I know the way back. Do you?
This is an actual review I found it on some website that had something to do with the Bible. I can’t remember now where it is from. Maybe they were selling it. Anyways, I generally don’t use other people’s material, at least not without a link, but I really want to share this with you. I’d be glad to link back to the site it is published on if I knew where it was from. The writing surpasses my own best material by a mile. Now don’t be fooled. I’m not a hater. I’m not against religion. I am certainly am not an atheist. I have read more of the Bible than most born-again, self-appointed pastors will give me credit for. They talk to badgers like we are idiots or something. New Living Bible. Give me a break. Go water down your own writing, Badgers have no time for idealistic interpretations, translation errors, and flat-out omissions. Anyways, having read the Old Testament for myself, I have had a hard time reconciling that entity with the God that is peddled in many of the new churches that have become so popular. What gets described to me by them is some nice old man that wants me to sing praise songs all day (Michelangelo can’t possibly know the damage he did with that damned fresco on the ceiling. Don’t be surprised that I know it’s a fresco, either. Badgers sometimes know more than people think). Then they pull some quote out of the book of John, like they are going to prove some point by doing this. Did they miss the first 2,353 pages? This God tells you not to kill, carves it on some tablets so you can never say, "Oh, I forgot," and proceeds to do just that, on quite a few occasions, by enlisting the help of the Jewish people (the ones that aren't supposed to be killing). WTF?!! I’m running for cover by the book of Kings, looking for my foil hat so that whatever He is can’t read my thoughts. Maybe I gotta just hang in there with it. Yeahhhh… but no. It’s too scary. If you don’t feel like that when you read the Bible, or at least the old testament,  then I think you must be not quite absorbing the words there. The book is probably going over your head. Probably for the best. You’ll might sleep better and God might not hold you accountable.  I concede they are actually right about the praise songs. There is quite a bit on praise songs in that book. God seems to like any noise we make that is directed in a positive manner toward Him. . The Bible should come with a guitar and a Marshall amp, I think. (Note to self: New marketing tactic to sell electric guitars…)
If you are having trouble reconciling religions with the actions of the religious or are simply in between for the moment, you may get a kick out of this. Once again, I do not have a link to it's original location so I have had to reprint it in order to share it. I would gladly give credit and linkbacks and G plusses and whatever else they wanted if I could. The person is entirely correct when he says not to let the marketing people fool you – read the books for yourself before you make a hasty decision. It is so funny that I couldn't stop laughing and had to spend a half hour cleaning pee off the floor after I read it (because they don’t make pants for badgers).
“Better than the Quran!!!
Choosing a holy book is harder than choosing a romance novel. To help you choose, I will compare this one to another best-seller in this category, the Quran. These are the two holy books that get the most buzz around here.
Based on the marketing hype, I expected these two books would be really different. Everybody likes one or the other, never both, and they all really HATE the other one. However, they turned out to be a lot more similar than the marketing led me to expect.
For example, for those of you choosing a holy book on the basis of how many virgins you can have, the marketers try to lure you to buy the Quran, but in fact buyers of the Bible can have lots of virgins too, and also plenty of sex slaves (called concubines in these holy books, which have their own special vocabulary). Abraham, a main character, had children with several concubines and a slave girl, while he was married to another woman. Lot had children with his own two virgin daughters. Solomon, another of the book’s heroes, had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines. Virgins are hot property in this book just like in the Quran. That’s why the main character, Yahweh, always orders his followers to collect virgins after committing genocide. (One time they collected 32000 Midianite virgins!)
Multiple wives are also allowed in both books, so don’t make a hasty buying decision just on this point. Jacob, father of the twelve tribes at the center of the Bible story, had two wives and two concubines at the same time. Gideon had lots of wives too. However, there is a confusing change of the rules toward the end of the book. Not to worry. The main character of that section, Jesus, says: “For truly, I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not an iota, not a dot, will pass from the Law [the rules in he first section] until all is accomplished.” So I guess you can pick your rules from either section. Polygamists and virgin-lovers will want to pay most attention to the first section.
It’s tough to keep women under control, and if you are a man, it pays to buy a holy book that puts the fear of god in your wives and lovers. Here too the choice is a toss-up. On the one hand, the Quran is full of instructions for stoning rape victims, non-virgin brides, and women who show their face in public. That should do the trick. The Bible PR team thinks this is politically incorrect, and likes to give the impression that the Bible is different on this score. However, it turns out that the Bible says exactly the same thing:
“If … the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die.” Deuteronomy 22:13-21
“If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city.” Deuteronomy 22:23-24
So buyers, you don’t have to go with the competition if you want to stone women. There is an important lesson here: DON’T LET THE MARKETERS FOOL YOU! Read these books for yourself before you decide on a purchase.
As an extra bonus, you can also use this book to control your children, as it tells you to kill them if they talk back: “Whoever curses father or mother shall die” Mark 7:10
Abortions are sometimes necessary to save the life of the mother, and can ensure that people don’t have babies they can’t raise. So you might be thinking the Bible is a poor choice if you want to be flexible about such things. But here too you would be wrong. Remember, DON”T TRUST THE MARKETERS, read the actual book before purchasing. The Bible is big on killing not just young children (see above) but also unborn babies:
“Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.” Psalm 137
Yahweh also kills virtually all the pregnant women on earth (along with their unborn babies) in a big flood. He also repeatedly orders people to kill entire nations, including all their pregnant women and their unborn babies (of course, saving the virgins–see above).
Another thing to watch out for in holy books is their treatment of “days of rest”. Those days are nice, but sometimes you might need to cook or turn on a light or lift a rock that falls on your foot. So again, you want a holy book that is flexible. Here I am afraid you are out of luck, as both these books say you should be killed for doing things like gathering firewood for cooking:

“They found a man that gathered sticks upon the sabbath day. … And the LORD said unto Moses, The man shall be surely put to death: all the congregation shall stone him with stones…. And all the congregation brought him without the camp, and stoned him with stones, and he died; as the LORD commanded Moses.” Bible, Numbers 15:32-56

What to do with people who criticize your purchase? It can be uncomfortable to be ridiculed for buying the wrong holy book, so I highly recommend buying one that tells you to kill anybody who bought a competing title. Again, marketers would have you believe that the Quran should be your choice here, but I found the Bible has this department covered just as well as the Quran:
“If there be found among you … that … hath gone and served other gods, and worshipped them … Then shalt thou … stone them with stones, till they die.” Deuteronomy 17:2-5
“They entered into a covenant to seek the Lord, the God of their fathers, with all their heart and soul; and everyone who would not seek the Lord, the God of Israel, was to be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman.” 2 Chronicles 15:12-13
One downside to both books is the number of weird rules you must obey (e.g. no planting of two crops in the same field, or wearing clothes made of two kinds of threads). But don’t worry, all buyers of these books quickly figure out ways to ignore the inconvenient parts.
So it is tough to choose between these two books. Luckily there is one important difference between the Bible and Quran. You are not allowed to burn or destroy the Quran. On the other hand, after reading the Bible you can use the pages as tinder to light campfires or fireplaces, or as toilet paper, or as a doorstop. In this reviewer’s opinion, this is the decisive advantage of the Bible over the Quran.”
~author unknown

No comments:

Post a Comment